


Drown

by Kkane88



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Concussions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memory Loss, Sharing Clothes, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:01:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22841410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kkane88/pseuds/Kkane88
Summary: Patrick knows that what he and Jonny have is a forever kind of thing. He's never doubted that he's going to spend the rest of his life with his best friend by his side. He's never wanted anything else.But he never planned for Jonny forgetting him.
Relationships: Patrick Kane/Jonathan Toews
Comments: 36
Kudos: 247





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> These chapters are going to be shorter because I'm posting them on tumblr first, but I hope you enjoy!

Patrick can't imagine what his life would be like without Jonny in it. They had been friends for years before they realized how they really felt about each other and had become… something more. They never really labeled it, but Patrick knows that what they have is a forever kind of thing. They've talked about every thinkable scenario for their future: what if one of them gets traded? What if one of them gets injured and can't play anymore? What if everything goes the way they plan and they retire- will they stay in Chicago or split their time between Winnipeg and Buffalo? He's never doubted that he's going to spend the rest of his life with his best friend by his side. He's never wanted anything else.

Something that he never planned for was Jonny _forgetting_ him. When he saw Jonny go down, watched his head slam against the ice so hard that it knocked his helmet off, Patrick just knew it was a concussion. They took Jonny off the ice, looking disoriented and confused, and somehow Patrick was expected to _keep playing._ He managed, somehow, but couldn't tell you a single thing that happened in the rest of the game. Couldn't even tell you if they won or lost. His only thought was getting to Jonny.

He's so grateful when he finishes the world's quickest shower and sees Sharpy standing next to his stall, keys in hand. He doesn't say anything while Patrick gets dressed- doesn't try to comfort him or tell him everything's going to be okay. None of the guys do. The worry in the room is almost palpable and Patrick thinks that maybe he should say something. He stops. Opens his mouth. But nothing comes out. He lets Sharpy guide him out of the room and out to his car. Doesn't remember the drive to the hospital. Lets Sharpy guide him inside and stands quietly as he talks to the nurses trying to find out where Jonny is. They get to his room.

He's afraid to go in.

"Kaner, he's probably fine," Sharpy tries to reassure him. "You know they're just careful with head injuries. I'm sure they just wanted to check him over just to be sure." Patrick takes a deep breath and swallows hard, nods once.

"Yeah," he agrees gruffly. "Okay." He still doesn't open the door. Sharpy takes a long look at him and then reaches out himself to push the door open. When Patrick still doesn't move, he reaches over and shoves him forward. Patrick stumbles, but straightens up when he sees Jonny laying asleep in the bed. He looks pale, his face scrunched up like he's in pain, and Patrick rushes over to his side. Sharpy follows, looking worried, as Patrick takes Jonny's hand in his own. He slumps into the chair at Jonny's bedside and tries to keep a sob from tearing its way out of his throat. All he can think about is 2012- Jonny hiding his symptoms and getting into a car accident. Concussions are _terrifying_. He brings Jonny's hand up to his mouth and presses a light kiss there.

"Sharpy," he tries to say, his voice breaking.

"I'm gonna go find someone who can tell us what's going on, okay?" Sharpy explains, heading towards the door. "It's gonna be fine, Patrick." While he's gone Patrick just stares at Jonny's face. This man who has been with him through _everything_. He's always been Patrick's biggest support, and Patrick's tried to be his. He hates seeing Jonny hurt like this. He feels adrift. He doesn't know what to do. He runs a hand lightly over Jonny's forehead, hoping his touch is soothing even if Jonny's not awake to feel it.

He's startled when Sharpy comes back in with what looks like the doctor. She smiles gently at Patrick and moves closer to the bed.

"Mr. Kane," she greets, and he tries for a smile. He's not sure he succeeds. "We believe Mr. Toews has a fairly bad concussion." Patrick appreciates that she doesn't beat around the bush or try to reassure him. "He was very confused and disoriented when he came in and didn't seem to understand where he is or why. We gave him some medication for the pain, which is why he's asleep, but he should be waking up soon and we'll reevaluate him. That's really all we know right now." Patrick feels his lower lip starting to wobble and tears burning in the back of his eyes, but he blinks them back. He squeezes Jonny's hand a little tighter just to remind himself that he's _here_ and it's _Jonny_ he's not going to let something like a stupid brain injury keep him down. It's Patrick's turn to support Jonny and he's going to do everything in his power to give him what he needs.

Sharpy asks the doctor a few more questions but Patrick doesn't hear. He's just so _exhausted_ all of a sudden- the weight of the game and his worry crashing down on him. He leans forward, resting his forehead against their clasped hands, and lets himself doze off. He figures he'll be woken up when Jonny wakes up.

He's not wrong.

He's startled when Jonny's hand is suddenly ripped from his and he sits up hurriedly, looking around in alarm.

"Who the fuck are you?" Jonny spits. Patrick freezes, heart dropping into his stomach as he takes in the venom in Jonny's eyes.

"That's not funny, Jon." Patrick says weakly, hoping that Jonny's suddenly developed some kind of sick sense of humor. He looks quickly around for Sharpy, thinking maybe this is some kind of prank, but the room is empty. He flinches when his eyes meet Jonny's again and sees the fury there.

"No shit it's not funny!" he rages. "Who are you? And where am I?" Patrick feels himself going pale and his breathing starts to speed up. Jonny doesn't recognize him? How could that even be possible? His hands start shaking

"You're in the hospital," he attempts to explain through the lump in his throat. "You hit your head. I'm-" he has to clear his throat before he continues. "I'm Patrick. You _know_ me." There isn't a single glimmer of recognition on Jonny's face. Patrick stands, suddenly unable to be in this room for a moment longer. "I'm going to go find a nurse." He races out of the room and grabs the first person he sees to tell them Jonny's awake, then goes to sit in the little waiting area.

He tries not to panic but his heart is racing and his stomach is in knots and he feels like he's going to _vomit_. He pulls out his phone to see all kinds of texts but ignores all of them except for the one from Sharpy telling him he went to get Patrick a change of clothes and some dinner. He hadn't even realized he was still in his suit. He presses the call button.

"Hey, Peeks, I'm walking in the doors right now," Sharpy says. Patrick doesn't bother responding and hangs up on him, eyes trained toward the end of the hallway until Sharpy appears. When he gets close enough, Patrick stands and practically launches himself at him. Sharpy's startled, but Patrick just needs a _hug_.

"He doesn't know who I am," he practically sobs into Sharpy's shoulder. Sharpy grabs him by the shoulders and forces him back so they're making eye contact.

"What do you mean?"

"He woke up and he didn't recognize me. He asked who I was." Patrick explains wetly, feeling tears slipping down his cheeks. He pulls out of Sharpy's grasp and sits down heavily, burying his face in his hands. "Sharpy, he _doesn't know who I am_. Oh god what do I do?" He feels his chest tightening and he clenches his fingers in his hair, grounding himself.

"Peeks, take a deep breath for me, okay?" Sharpy asks, crouching down in front of Patrick. Patrick does as he asks, forcing air into his lungs where it doesn't want to go. "You're sure he wasn't making a really stupid joke?" Patrick shakes his head.

"You didn't see the look in his eyes. He really didn't recognize me." Patrick doesn't want to think about the malice on Jonny's face. He tries to tell himself Jonny was confused and concussed and maybe he just had a minute where he wasn't thinking clearly. And Patrick _left him in there alone_. He's going to be sick.

"I have to go back in there." He stands, tries to force his way past Sharpy, but he's grabbed by the arm.

"No, Kaner. You're upset right now and that's just going to stress him out," Sharpy tries to reason. He picks up the bag he had dropped earlier and shoves it into Patrick's arms. "You take this and go change clothes and eat. I'll go check on him." Patrick stares down at the bag in his hands.

"What if he needs me?" he asks quietly. He knows Sharpy's right- he needs to get himself together, and the thought of seeing that look on Jonny's face again makes him want to scream, but. It's Jonny. And Patrick needs to be there.

"He'll understand, and he'd be glad that you're taking care of yourself." Patrick knows he's right. "You can come right back as soon as you're done."

With a deep breath, Patrick goes.


	2. Chapter 2

When Patrick comes back, he can't bring himself to go into Jonny's room right away. Instead, he sits in the waiting room and calls Jonny's mom.

"Patrick?" she asks when she answers the phone.

"Hey, Andrée," he responds shakily.

"What's wrong, _chéri_? Is he alright?" Patrick rubs the side of his face and takes a deep breath.

"He's-" he stops to clear his throat. "Jonny has a concussion and he has some, uh… memory loss." Andrée's quiet for a moment.

"What do you mean memory loss?" she asks, sounding worried and confused.

"He woke up and didn't remember who I am. I'm not sure what else he doesn't know, but I wanted to let you know what's going on," he explains in a rush, hoping that if he can get the words out fast that the tide of panic won't hit him.

"Oh, Patrick," she sighs sadly. "I'm going to get on a plane, yes? I will be there in a few hours." Patrick feels a profound sense of relief. There's no way Jonny won't remember his mother. Even if Patrick can't comfort him, Andrée can.

"Okay," he agrees. "I'll go try to get an update about how he's doing." After promising that he'll keep her updated, he hangs up just in time for Sharpy to walk in. He's not encouraged by the look on Sharpy's face as he comes to sit next to Patrick.

"He doesn't remember me either, or that he plays for the Blackhawks." Sharpy explains. "He thought he was still in Winnipeg. I asked him if he knows how old he is and he didn't know. Didn't even have a guess. Then he panicked because of how much he couldn't remember and the nurses had to come in and calm him down."

"I called his mom. She's on her way." Patrick responds quietly, staring down at the floor. He sees Sharpy looking at him consideringly from the corner of his eye.

"He asked where you were," Sharpy says. Patrick turns his head quickly to look at him. "Not by name, but he wanted to know where the blonde guy that was with him earlier had gone. He seemed a little worried about you."

"He doesn't know who I am," Patrick snaps, this time not stopping the tears from slipping out, lets them trail down his face and drop onto his shirt.

"He's still Jonny." Sharpy shrugs. "Somewhere in his subconscious, he knows he loves you." Patrick's heart thumps hard in his chest. It's impossible for him to think of Jonny _not_ loving him. He stands and looks at Sharpy before wiping the tears off his face.

"Guess I should go see him, eh?" Patrick checks, looking for reassurance. Sharpy smiles at him and nods, so Patrick makes his way to Jonny's room. He manages to take a couple steps into the room, but Jonny's eyes on him freeze him in place. He decides to keep his distance this time. He can't imagine what it would be like waking up in a hospital bed with a stranger holding his hand, and he doesn't want to scare Jonny even more. Strangely, when Jonny sees him, he relaxes a little bit.

"Uh, hi," Jonny says timidly. Patrick's heart aches. Jonny has never, ever been timid around him. "It's Patrick, right?"

"Yeah. Hi," he croaks out, fidgeting nervously.

"You can come sit, if you want," Jonny offers, eyes darting to the chair Patrick had been sitting in earlier. Patrick slowly makes his way over, scooting the chair back a little bit so he's not quite so close. Once Patrick's sitting, Jonny starts messing around nervously with his blankets.

"Your mom's on her way. She'll be here in a few hours." Some of the tension leaves Jonny's face and Patrick relaxes a little more. He can do this. He can give Jonny what he needs, even if he's not the one giving him comfort.

"I'm sorry I freaked out earlier," Jonny mumbles, not looking at Patrick.

"Don't worry about it," Patrick soothes. "I would've done the same thing." Jonny looks at him then, securitizing. The look is so familiar that Patrick can't even find it in himself to be nervous about it.

"Who are you to me?" Jonny asks. Patrick's at a loss. He doesn't know if he should tell Jonny the truth or not. Doesn't even really know what the truth _is_.

"That's not important right now," he tries to deflect.

"Yes it is," Jonny shoots back. "You're really worried about me. That other guy that came in here was worried, too, but you look… devastated." When Patrick doesn't respond, Jonny pushes. "Are you my boyfriend?"

"I don't know what to say," Patrick responds, shaking his head. "We never labeled it."

"Why not?" Jonny asks, confused.

"I don't know, we just made so much sense, I guess." Patrick shrugs. "We're just… Pat and Jonny. No one's ever asked us to label it." Jonny takes that information in, familiar serious expression on his face.

"But we're something… serious?" Jonny confirms. Patrick just nods, not looking at him. They fall silent after that, so Patrick pulls his phone out to make his way through his messages from teammates and family members- both his and Jonny's- that are checking on Jonny. He sends a generic "we don't know yet" to pretty much everyone and ignores Jonny's eyes on him. Eventually, the doctor comes in and tells them that they're going to take Jonny for some brain scans. He sits there through the prep, and through them taking Jonny away. Sharpy comes back with Colliton and Bowman at his heels, and he tells them everything he knows- which isn't much.

Sharpy doesn't want to leave him alone, but Patrick shoos him out. He has a wife and daughters at home that he needs to be with, and it's getting really late.

He falls asleep in the chair, waking up briefly when they wheel Jonny back into the room, before falling back to sleep. He wakes up sometime around 6am to see Jonny's dark eyes already on him. Patrick doesn't want to break up the peace, so they just sit there in silence looking at each other.

That is, until Andrée walks into the room.

"Maman," Jonny chirps happily. Patrick's on his feet immediately and he's surprised when she makes her way over to him and not Jonny. She pulls him into a tight hug and he lets himself relax into it for a moment before pulling away.

"How are you doing, _chéri?_ " she asks, patting his cheek lightly.

"I'm okay," he responds, chancing a look at Jonny. He looks a little stunned, and Patrick doesn't blame him. If his mother walked into his hospital room and went straight to Jonny, he'd be a little confused, too. Andrée watches him for a moment longer before letting him go and turning to her son. They start speaking to each other in French. He starts inching his way toward the door, thinking maybe he should let them be alone, when Andrée turns to him again.

"Sit down, Patrick," she demands. He feels himself flush.

"But-" he tries to protest, but she cuts him off.

"Sit down," she says again. "You should be here with him."

"He doesn't remember me," he whispers- pointlessly, as Jonny can obviously hear him. She puts her hands on her hips and looks at him sternly.

"If my son were in his right mind, he would not let you out of his sight," she says. "You want to be here with him, yes?" He nods. "Then stay." When she says it like that, it seems so simple. But Patrick sees Jonny trying his hardest to keep his face blank.

"Jonny?" He looks up and meets Patrick's eyes. "What do you want me to do?" Jonny suddenly looks helpless and Patrick feels a sharp pain in his chest.

"I- I don't remember you," Jonny says and Patrick nods, already starting to move toward the door. "No, wait!" Jonny begs, so Patrick stops. "I don't remember, but I don't like seeing you upset. A part of me cares about you, even if I can't remember. So you're obviously important to me, and I can see that you're worried about me. So I think you should stay." Patrick takes this in as he makes his way back over to his chair. Andrée looks proud of her son and she smiles soothingly at Patrick. Once he's settled, they go back to their conversation, and he feels himself slipping back into sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, the theme song for this is Drown by Seafret.

It's somewhere around 9 when he wakes up again with a sore back and a crick in his neck. He's going to regret sleeping in the chair all night, but he wasn't about to go home. Jonny's asleep and Andrée's just walking back into the room with a stack of papers in her hand.

"They're going to release him today," she explains when she sees that Patrick's awake. "The brain scans showed no bleeding or anything else to be concerned about. They are concerned about the memory loss, but they hope that with some time that will correct itself."

"But they don't _know_ that it will?" he asks sadly.

"They don't know. Head injuries are tricky." He hates that Jonny has to go through this, not able to remember his own life. Selfishly, he hates that Jonny doesn't remember him. He's pretty dependent on Jonny and he never bothered trying to change that, thinking that Jonny would be by his side forever. If he never gets his memory back, Patrick's whole life is going to change.

Pushing down the panic that Jonny's hockey career could be over, Patrick can't help but wonder what Jonny would do if that's the case. Would he go back to Winnipeg with his family, without a backward glance at this strange man who sat by his bedside? Patrick would be _gutted_. In a split second, going from spending the rest of their lives together to never seeing each other again- it's unthinkable. But if that's what Jonny wants, Patrick would leave him alone. Jonny's family would urge him to visit, but Patrick would have to say no. He couldn't force himself on someone that doesn't want him.

"I should probably let the front office know," Patrick sighs, pulling out his phone.

"The hospital has kept in contact. They should already know," Andrée assures him. Sure enough, when Patrick checks his phone he has a message from Stan telling him to take the day off from practice and make sure Jonny's okay. It's times like these that Patrick's glad they told the front office and team about their relationship. He doesn't have to worry about hiding his feelings on top of dealing with the panic over Jonny's health.

Jonny's poked awake by the nurses, who give him one last checkup before they decide he can be released. Patrick lets Sharpy and the front office know that they're taking him home and goes to pull up his car- which Sharpy had dropped off- while Andrée gets Jonny ready to go. He drives them to Jonny's place without a second thought- they had decided to keep separate condos for the days that they need some time apart. They spend almost every waking moment together during the season, and sometimes that causes some tension. Patrick spends most of his time at Jonny's anyway, but it's nice to know he has the option of going home alone if he wants to. Now it just makes him worry. Is he just supposed to drop them off and head to his own place?

He pulls into his usual parking spot since it's closer to the door and hesitates as Jonny and Andrée get out of the car. Jonny won't know where he's going, but Andrée's been here before and she'll have no problem getting him up to the apartment. Still, he's relieved when they both turn to look at him expectantly, and he scrambles out of the car. He knows Andrée told him to stay, that Jonny would want him here if he could remember him, but he doesn't know what his role is in this situation. He doesn't want to interfere too much and upset Jonny even more. Jonny's obviously trying really hard to act like none of this is affecting him, but it's easy for Patrick to see how stressed he is. He's not going to call Jonny out for it, but he's definitely going to be keeping an eye on it.

He leads the way into the building, waving at Danny the security guard, and walking them over to the elevator. He presses the button for Jonny's floor and leans against the elevator wall as they ascend.

" _Vit-il avec moi?_ " Jonny asks, and Patrick tries not to feel awkward about not knowing what he's saying. She simply nods back at him. He's surprised when, as soon as the elevator doors open, Jonny steps out and heads to the left, walking down the hall until he's standing in front of his own door.

"Is it this one?" Jonny asks, looking at Patrick with a puzzled expression.

"Yeah," Patrick says, feeling hope welling in his chest. "How did you know?"

"I'm not sure," he responds, turning back to look at the door while Patrick fits the key into the lock. "It's like I just… knew where to go. It feels familiar." Patrick looks down at his hands to hide his relieved smile as he opens the door. He goes in first, taking Jonny's gear bag that Sharpy had left in the car back to the laundry room while Jonny and Andrée go for a walk-through of the apartment.

When he walks back into the living room, Jonny's alone looking at the pictures on the wall. He seems to be caught on one in particular and Patrick steps up next to Jonny to see which one it is. His heart skips a beat when he catches sight of it. It's the one of the two of them [lifting the cup](https://66.media.tumblr.com/07e64862215d5ff4fd2d6ec2ce0fd543/82b18112e7512cb7-78/s1280x1920/deca44878c7fb6ee0824894b477c44d7aec05394.jpg), Jonny smiling at Patrick like he's the greatest thing on earth. It's always been their favorite.

"How many cups have we won together?" Jonny asks, not looking away from the picture.

"Three," Patrick chokes out, throat suddenly tight. Jonny turns to look at him, bringing a hand up to rest on Patrick's shoulder. Patrick relaxes instantly. He's not used to going so long without Jonny's touch- usually doesn't go more than an hour without an arm thrown over his shoulder and a kiss on the forehead. Jonny shows his affection through touch and he hasn't touched Patrick since he woke up. Patrick feels tears welling up again and he tries unsuccessfully to blink them back. "Sorry," he says, bringing his hands up to wipe them away.

"Don't apologize," Jonny scolds. Patrick startles a bit when Jonny pulls him forward into a hug, wrapping his arms tight around Patrick. He lets himself relax into the touch, resting his head on Jonny's shoulder and gripping his shirt tight. He's _not_ going to break down sobbing on Jonny's shoulder, but he lets himself soak up Jonny's strength and warmth. This is his _home_. Anywhere that Jonny is is home. He's so afraid to lose this. He tries to think of something to say but his mind is completely blank, and Jonny seems perfectly content to stand there holding him. Patrick lets the moment linger.

Even when he hears footsteps signaling Andrée's arrival, he's reluctant to pull away. It's only Jonny tensing that has him straightening up and stepping away. He looks over at her and she appears to be fighting back tears herself.

"Are you hungry?" she asks them. "I can make lunch." They both agree, but they soon realize that it's going to be a problem when they look in the refrigerator and pantry and realize they have hardly any groceries.

"I'll go get something," Patrick volunteers immediately. He needs a little bit of time to compose himself. "I can go get some groceries and pick up something quick on the way back so you don't have to cook today. That way you two can get settled in." Andrée looks like she wants to argue, but Patrick's already grabbed his keys and is heading towards the door. She follows him.

"Are you alright?" she asks him quietly, so Jonny doesn't hear. He wants to tell her he's fine, but can't force the words past his lips.

"It's difficult," he says instead. "It's just… I don't mean anything to him right now."

"You know that's not true," she says sternly. "You know my son as well as, if not better, than I do. If he did not want you here, he would have told you to go. I saw the way he was holding you." She steps up and takes his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. "He loves you. Remember that, no matter what." He bites his lip hard and lets her pull him into a hug, but pulls away quickly. He needs to get some air. Jonny's peeking at them from the kitchen, and Patrick forces a smile for both of them before he walks out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if anyone else feels as emotional about this as I do, but I may or may not have cried while writing this part.
> 
> Translation:  
> Vit-il avec moi?= Does he live with me?
> 
> (Disclaimer: I don't speak French and this came from Google translate, so if it's wrong please let me know.)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to be out of town this weekend without access to my laptop, so I'm hoping the double update will make up for the fact that the next one probably won't be until Tuesday.

As he's wandering the aisles of the grocery store, he calls Sharpy, bringing him up to speed on what's happened.

"Well, at least he remembered his own apartment," Sharpy says once Patrick's done explaining. "That's probably a good sign."

"Probably," Patrick agrees absently, grabbing a box of Jonny's favorite guilty-pleasure cereal. "I haven't talked to Andrée about how long she can stay, but he's not going to be able to play for awhile." The _if ever_ is unspoken but it rings loudly in Patrick's ears. "What's he going to do while we're on road trips?"

"Did you forget I don't play anymore?" Sharpy teases. "Me and Bur can keep an eye on him."

"Maybe you should come visit," Patrick urges. "Then at least he'll be more used to you."

"Good idea. Maybe I should bring Duncs and Seabs, too." Sharpy muses. "Familiar faces and all that.

"Maybe tomorrow after practice?" Patrick suggests. He doesn't want to overwhelm Jonny too early, but he knows the boys will get impatient. Probably better to get it over with. Sharpy agrees and Patrick makes his way up to the checkout. Before he heads back to Jonny's, he swings by their favorite sandwich place and picks up their usual orders, along with what he _thinks_ he remembers Andrée ordering the last time she came to town.

He lets himself into the apartment and heads to the kitchen with the groceries, putting them away while Jonny walks into the room. Neither of them say anything, but Patrick watches as Jonny walks over to the bag that their sandwiches are in. He pulls the first one out, peeks at what's on it, and slides it across the counter to Patrick. The second one, he sets aide. The last one, he starts eating. He notices that Patrick is frozen, staring at him, and he stops.

"Were those right?" he asks, looking down at the food in his hand like he just realized what he did.

"Yeah," Patrick reassures him, smiling widely. If Jonny's remembering little things like this, there's a chance that maybe some of the bigger stuff will come back to him, too. He tries not to let his hopes get too high, but he can't help it. Jonny looks at him, seeming dazed, and Patrick moves closer. "Are you alright?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah." Jonny says, shaking his head a little bit. "I just haven't seen you smile like that before." Patrick flushes and ducks his head. He hasn't had much reason to smile since Jonny woke up. When he chances a look back up, Jonny's eyes sweep over his face and he takes a step closer to Patrick so that they're almost touching. Their eyes catch and hold.

"What are you doing?" he asks quietly.

"Patrick," Jonny responds just as softly, bringing a hand up to rest on the back of Patrick's neck. "We're- partners?" Patrick nods, figuring that's a good word for it. "Can I kiss you?" Patrick tenses up.

"I don't think that's a good idea." Patrick _hurts_ , but this isn't _his_ Jonny. _This_ Jonny doesn't remember everything they've been through together. Maybe _this_ Jonny wouldn't understand. Wouldn't even like him. He doesn't know who this man is.

"Why not?" Jonny argues. "You love me, right? My bedroom is filled with your stuff and your pictures are all over my walls."

"Of course I love you." Patrick pulls out of Jonny's grip, even though everything inside of him says to move closer. "But you don't even know who I am! You woke up less than 24 hours ago and you didn't recognize me. _You_ don't love _me_." The words feel like poison coming out of his mouth. "And now you want to kiss me? Why? Just because you liked my smile? Because I've been taking care of you since you woke up?" Patrick knows he's being angry and defensive but it's like he can't stop himself. His emotions are _fried_ and he can't control himself.

"I don't know!" Jonny shouts back, throwing his hands up. "I have feelings for you that I don't understand! I have no idea who the fuck you are, but I want to touch you _all the time_. I've never seen you before in my life but there's fucking pictures of you on my wall where I'm looking at you like I love you, and my mom treats you like you're her fucking kid. I feel like I don't even know who _I_ am and it's so fucking frustrating!" Jonny's red-faced and panting by the time he's done and Patrick refuses to meet his eyes. Andrée hesitantly walks into the room, looking between them cautiously.

"Maybe I should go." Patrick almost whispers. All he's done is make Jonny angry and that's not going to help him at all. He feels himself start to cry _again_. The only thing he's done right since Jonny woke up is call his mom.

"That's another thing. From the moment I woke up all you do is _leave_ ," Jonny says, calmer but still intense. "And I don't understand why. I don't know how many times I have to ask you to stay before you just _listen_."

"I don't know how to make this better, Jon." Patrick's heart _aches_. He thought he was helping by giving Jonny space. Apparently he was wrong. Andrée turns and walks out of the room, leaving them to hash this out. He almost wishes she would step in and stop this, but she trusts that Patrick will do whatever he needs to to take care of Jonny. He turns and sits on the island stool before burying his face in his hands. Jonny sits down next to him and presses their knees together.

"I'm not trying to make this harder on you," Jonny starts.

"Harder on _me?_ " Patrick scoffs. "You're the one with a brain injury and memory loss." He finally sits up once he's forced the tears to stop.

"I keep making you cry," Jonny says sadly, resting a hand on Patrick's arm.

"That's not really your fault," he reassures him. "I'm just a pretty emotional guy. It's hard seeing you hurt."

"And I've been an asshole," Jonny mumbles, leaning over to rest his forehead on Patrick's shoulder.

"No you haven't," Patrick argues. "You've actually been really awesome, considering the circumstances."

"I guess I just wanted to feel like something was normal," Jonny explains. "Even if I don't remember being in a relationship with you, I can see it everywhere here. I thought maybe if I played pretend it would help me remember."

"I get that," Patrick nods. "I'm just… not ready to play pretend right now. Not with this." Jonny agrees, mumbling an apology. He sounds tired and Patrick can't help but turn to press a kiss against the top of his head. "You should probably go take a nap. You probably have a killer headache." Jonny hums in agreement, but doesn't move except to lean even more of his weight against Patrick. Andrée walks back in, probably concerned by how quiet they've gotten, and smiles at them fondly.

"Jonathan, you must go get in bed," she commands, making him groan in protest. He does finally lift his head and shoots a tentative smile at Patrick.

"Will you stay?" he asks. Patrick nods.

"Yeah, I'll be here when you wake up. We can talk more later," he reassures, earning an even bigger smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments give me life. Thanks for your support!


	5. Chapter 5

Patrick, true to his word, camps out on the couch for the afternoon and even manages to take a nap himself. When he wakes up he listens to the nhl highlights while he makes everyone dinner. The smell of food must draw Jonny and Andrée out because he's just plating everything up when they walk in and settle at the table.

After dinner, they all sit in the living room and tell Jonny stories about his own life, which feels strange and wrong. Patrick watches as the lines around Jonny's eyes deepen as he gets more and more stressed, but every time he tries to put a stop to the storytelling, Jonny wants to hear more. It's such a Jonny thing to try to drag his memories back by sheer force of will that Patrick is torn between fond amusement and deep worry. Finally, he uses the excuse of having to get up for skate tomorrow to put an end to storytime. He grabs his keys and starts walking to the door, but Jonny catches up to him and stops him.

"You told me you would stay," Jonny says, putting himself between Patrick and the door like he's going to physically stop him from leaving. Patrick sighs and moves closer to him.

"I can't sleep on the couch, Jon," Patrick explains. "It was bad enough sleeping in that chair. I'm gonna mess my back up."

"You don't have to sleep on the couch," Jonny says, like Patrick's the one being dense.

"Your mom's in the guest room," Patrick reminds him.

"Sleep in our room. With me." Jonny says it like a command, but there's uncertainty in his eyes. Patrick takes a step closer and stands on his tiptoes to press a kiss to Jonny's cheek. He's just so helplessly _fond_ of the idiot. Jonny's trying so hard to make this easier on Patrick, even if he's not quite ready for what he's suggesting.

"I told you I'm not ready to pretend," Patrick reminds him, not stepping away just yet. Jonny may be uncertain about sleeping in the same bed, but he still mirrors Patrick's body language. Still turns into Patrick's touch.

"This is your home, too." Jonny brings a hand up and cups Patrick's jaw, brushing a thumb over his cheek.

"Just give it some time, okay? I don't think you're ready for a stranger to invade your space like that."

"You're not a stranger," Jonny protests. "You're mine." Patrick blinks, startled. Jonny says it like he would say the sky is blue, or ice is cold. Like it's just a fact that he knows without a shadow of a doubt to be true.

"I am," Patrick agrees, because it _is_ true. "I love you." It's such a _relief_ to say that. He reaches up to grab hold of the hand Jonny still has cupping Patrick's face and brushes a kiss to his knuckles. "I know you're trying to make this easier on me, but for tonight at least, I'm going back to my place. Tomorrow I'm going to morning skate and then some of the boys want to come see you. Then I have a game tomorrow night and I leave for a road trip after. We can discuss sleeping arrangements when I get back, if you still want to." Jonny nods, but doesn't look completely satisfied with that answer.

"Maybe we could nap together tomorrow?" Jonny suggests. "I feel like that's something we do a lot."

"Pre-game naps." Patrick grins at him. "The perks of being a professional athlete. If you still want to tomorrow, we can try that. Consider it a test run." Jonny looks slightly more satisfied this time, and Patrick's surprised when he steps forward and wraps Patrick into a hug. Patrick sinks into it immediately. Their hug this morning seems to have broken the seal on Jonny's physical affection and Patrick would be lying if he said he didn't feel better because of it. He hopes that the reassurance goes both ways, but Jonny's always been quick to take care of Patrick even at the expense of himself.

Patrick doesn't want this to be like that.

So he pulls back, pressing one more kiss to Jonny's jawline before stepping away completely.

"Go get some rest, alright?" Patrick urges. "Just focus on getting better and the rest of it will work out." Jonny smiles down at him, and the sharp contrast between the venomous way Jonny looked at him yesterday and the warm affection in his eyes tonight soothes him. This is _his_ Jonny.

"Goodnight Peeks," Jonny murmurs and Patrick sucks in a sharp breath. He hadn't told him about any of his nicknames. Jonny _remembered._ He has to stop himself from fisting a hand in Jonny's collar and pulling him down into a kiss right there. Jonny must see it on his face because he _smirks,_ leaning down to brush his lips to the corner of Patrick's mouth. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"I-yeah," Patrick stammers, flustered, as Jonny opens the front door for him. He steps out and, as he's walking to the elevator, chances one last look behind him. Jonny's leaning against the doorway, watching him go.

At practice the next morning, he feels... settled. More settled than he would expect to feel with Jonny missing from the ice, but it's been so long since they've been on the same line that going through the motions feels almost normal. Everyone's tiptoeing around him, obviously wanting to ask about Jonny but afraid of setting him off.

Once practice is over, he checks in with coach before addressing the locker room to explain the situation, asking them to be patient while Jonny recovers. They all look some degree of horrified to find out that Jonny's lost his memory, but everyone agrees to keep it on a need-to-know basis and not let anything slip to the media. When he steps out of the locker room with Duncs and Seabs at his heels, he almost runs straight into Sharpy and Bur.

"You seem to be in much higher spirits today," Sharpy observes, clapping a hand on Patrick's shoulder and steering him towards the exit. They all seem anxious to get to Jonny as quick as possible and he doesn't blame them. These guys are basically family and he understands their worry.

"He's doing better. He called me Peeks last night," Patrick admits, rolling his eyes at how gleeful Sharpy is at the news. "He's starting to remember some things."

"That's good," Seabs says, relieved.

They all follow Patrick to Jonny's building and into the elevator, shifting nervously on their feet. Seeing all of them in the same space makes him worry that this is a bad idea. They're projecting their fear and Jonny could barely handle waking up with just Patrick by his bedside. How is he going to handle all 5 of them at once? Well, it's too late now. He's not about to turn any of them away. If it comes down to it, Andrée can kick them out.

He leads the way to Jonny's door and unlocks it before ushering them all in ahead of him, before stopping to shove his overnight bag into the hall closet. He hears voices. The boys seemed to have found Jonny and Andrée in the living room. He takes a deep, fortifying breath before heading that way.

He stops in the doorway and sees Sharpy, Bur, and Seabs smushed together on one couch with Andrée and Jonny on the other. Duncs is sitting in the lone armchair. Just as he feared, Jonny looks tense- shoulders bunched, brow furrowed, and knee bouncing up and down anxiously. The boys are chatting nervously with Andrée, shooting worried glances at Jonny. But Jonny's eyes dart over to Patrick and he just... _relaxes._ His shoulders drop, his leg stills, and his face smoothes out as he smiles.

"Patrick," he breathes, holding out a hand. Patrick flushes, but moves forward and drops onto the seat between Jonny and Andrée, smiling when Jonny's arm goes around his waist. The boys don't look surprised at all; in fact, they all seem to be _relieved_.

"You okay?" Patrick asks Jonny quietly, so no one else can hear. "They'll leave if you ask them to."

"I'm good," Jonny smiles at him and turns back to look at them all before he suddenly sits up straighter and points at Sharpy and Bur accusingly.

"You two like to prank me," he says. They grin at him, looking thrilled.

"We haven't done that in a long time," Bur protests, making Patrick snort.

"Last week you filled his gym bag with pictures of Maddie and Sadie," he argues.

"I wouldn't consider that a prank," Sharpy argues. "I have cute kids. I was sharing the cuteness."

"You also put shaving cream in his shoes," Seabs chimes in.

"Well…" Bur stalls. Patrick laughs again and sneaks a look at Jonny. He's trying hard to keep a smile on his face, but Patrick can see it's forced and strained. He pat's Jonny's knee a couple times before shooting a pointed look at the guys.

"We just wanted to come see how you're doing," Duncs cuts in. "Despite the memory loss, I mean."

"Yeah, I'm okay," Jonny answers. "Get headaches and stuff and sometimes my vision gets a little blurry." Patrick turns to look at him because he _did not know that_. Jonny looks back and rolls his eyes in such a _Jonny_ way that it makes Patrick smile. "I'm fine." he reiterates.

"Are you boys staying for lunch?" Andrée cuts in, standing. Everyone looks to Patrick for guidance and he has to pause for a second to realize the strangeness of the situation. Jonny's the natural leader, both in the locker room and out, but they seem to defer to him when Jonny's out of his head. Even Jonny's looking at him to answer.

"You guys can stay if you want," he decides. If they have food to occupy them, Jonny can probably handle them a little better. Patrick almost volunteers to help Andrée make lunch, but he doesn't want to leave Jonny to the wolves. They make idle chit chat through lunch, mostly about hockey and their kids so that Jonny can relax a little bit. He sticks close to Patrick, though, scooting his chair closer so that their knees are pressed together. When they're done eating and the boys say goodbye to Jonny, Sharpy gives Patrick a _look_ and motions for him to follow them out to the hallway.

"You're staying, right?" Jonny asks, grasping Patrick's arm.

"Yeah, Sharpy just wants to talk about you." Patrick teases, earning a smile from Jonny. Jonny lets him go and steps back to help his mom clean up while Patrick steps into the hallway. Sharpy's waiting just outside the door, but the others are already waiting by the elevators.

"That's quite a different situation from the one I saw at the hospital," Sharpy says as soon as Patrick's closed the door behind him. Patrick just shrugs, not sure what to say. "It's good, Peeks. You looked surprised when he was so happy to see you, but that's how he always is. That man in there is more like our Jonny than that guy in the hospital was."

"He told me yesterday he wanted to act like everything was normal with me," Patrick admits. "I'm not sure how much of this is Jonny actually having feelings for me and how much is just Jonny wanting to have some stability." He didn't realize until he said it out loud how true it actually is.

"Kaner, I get why you would feel like that, but I don't think you have anything to worry about." Sharpy claps a hand on his shoulder and squeezes reassuringly. "Just keep doing what you're doing. He already looks a lot better than he did."

"Thanks Sharpy," he says, letting the man pull him into a hug.

"Call me if you need anything, okay? I know you're leaving on that road trip and you'll probably keep in contact with his mom, but if you want me to check on him just say the word." Patrick's so thankful for Sharpy. He doesn't know what he did to deserve such good friends. He assures Sharpy he'll call him, and watches him walk down the hallway before going back inside with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took so long! I just started my new job and it's completely kicking my butt. Hopefully I'll adjust to my new schedule soon and I won't be falling asleep by like 8pm anymore.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's literally been a week since I updated and I'm SO SORRY but here's some plotless fluff to make up for it.
> 
> Bonus points to anyone who finds the Marianas Trench song lyric!

Once he closes the front door behind him, he freezes. He promised Jonny yesterday that they could nap together today if he still wanted to, and judging by the way Jonny stopped him from leaving, he does still want to. He figures it can't hurt, and if Jonny decides it's too much, then Patrick can back off and give him space. By the time he makes his way back into the kitchen, Andrée and Jonny are having another conversation in French. By the looks on their faces, it's something serious and Patrick debates on whether or not to interrupt. The option is taken out of his hands when Andrée walks over to him and pats him on the cheek.

"Are you sure?" she asks, looking to Jonny.

"Yes," he says firmly, nodding. She nods back, once, as if she's made up her mind. She smiles at Patrick one more time before stepping past him and down the hallway to the guest room. Patrick walks over and leans on the counter next to where Jonny's drying his hands on a dish towel, getting a little distracted by Jonny's hands. Jonny has nice hands. He may be staring a little too obviously, because it takes Jonny a lot longer to dry his hands than it should, and when Patrick glances up, he's watching Patrick back.

"What were you talking about with your mom?" he asks, to draw attention away from his burning cheeks. He feels flustered, the way he felt the first time Jonny kissed him. He'll never be used to having Jonny's entire attention focused on him; even after all these years it gives him butterflies.

"She's going home after my doctor's appointment, as long as everything goes well," Jonny explains. Patrick straightens up in surprise.

"Why?" Jonny's appointment is in two days and Patrick's about to leave for four days for the road trip. He most certainly doesn't want to leave Jonny alone when he has a head injury and can't remember anything.

"I feel bad for her taking so much time off work when she doesn't really need to be here." Jonny turns to face him and takes a step closer, so Patrick has to look up to meet his eyes. "Besides, I have you to take care of me." Without thinking, Patrick reaches out and rests a hand on Jonny's hip.

"You realize I'm about to leave for a road trip?" Patrick asks, sounding more exasperated than he actually feels. Jonny just shrugs.

"Sharpy can check on me," he says. "You guys won't let anything happen to me." Patrick's heart melts at the implicit trust that Jonny has in them. He moves closer instinctively, almost pulling Jonny down into a kiss before he stops himself. Jonny smiles at him in understanding before leaning down to brush his lips against Patrick's temple. "Have you talked to your family?"

"Yeah, why?" Patrick asks, surprised by the question. He hasn't mentioned his family to Jonny yet.

"I just thought maybe Jackie would've asked about me," Jonny says, faux-innocently. Patrick throws his head back and laughs, mostly out of relief that Jonny remembered. It's no secret that Jackie has had a crush on Jonny for years. She was pretty disappointed when she found out that Patrick was dating him, but she was still supportive of their relationship. Probably because it means she gets to see him all the time now.

"I can't believe _that's_ what your brain decides to remember," Patrick giggles. "You don't remember me, but you remember my sister's crush on you."

"I'm remembering some things," Jonny says lowly, bringing his hand up to press his thumb against Patrick's bottom lip, eyes darkening. "Some sense memory. And," Jonny suddenly grins. "When you told me you loved me on the ice after one of the cup wins." Patrick laughs and leans forward to rest his head on Jonny's shoulder.

"I was a little emotional," Patrick says. That moment got edited out of _a lot_ of videos.

"I love that about you," Jonny mumbles before pulling back. "You ready for our nap?"

"You still want me to stay for that?" Patrick checks, even though he knows the answer. Jonny just smiles and Patrick lets himself be dragged down the hallway to the bedroom.

He lets Jonny settle in bed first while he goes into the walk-in closet to change into sleep clothes. After a second of hesitation, he grabs one of Jonny's shirts- one that says Toews on the back- just to see how Jonny reacts. It may be too much, but the way Jonny's been treating him, Patrick feels like maybe it'll be welcome. He's been holding back and Jonny's been asking for more and he hasn't been giving it. Maybe he can take a step forward.

Jonny doesn't notice the shirt right away. They're both too busy being awkward about settling on the bed, until Patrick just throws himself down on his stomach, facing away from Jonny. Then he hears a sharp inhale and feels Jonny's warm hand tracing the name on his back.

"You did that on purpose," Jonny accuses, sounding fond. Patrick hides his smile against the pillow and relaxes as Jonny settles down next to him, leaving his hand pressed to the small of Patrick's back. It's surprisingly easy to fall asleep, being cocooned in his own bed with Jonny at his side.

He wakes up when his alarm goes off to find Jonny spooning him, and he's so cozy he almost can't force himself to get out of bed. Even the promise of hockey doesn't mean as much to him when Jonny's not on the ice with him. But he gets paid a lot of money to play this game, so he wiggles out of Jonny's arms despite his protests and gets ready. When he's about ready to leave, he finds Jonny blocking his way out the door.

"I wish I could go to the game," Jonny pouts.

"Not until your doctor clears it," Patrick demands, pointing a warning finger at him just in case he has any ideas about trying to watch it on tv.

"I won't, I promise. I'm not trying to make it worse." Jonny moves into Patrick's space with a sparkle in his eye. "Kiss me, just once, for luck?" Patrick almost automatically says no, but why not? This is a long way from the Jonny that woke up in the hospital with venom in his words. This Jonny looks at him with... if not love, then the possibility of it. Like when they were young and dumb and just realizing that the way they couldn't get enough of each other was more than just friendship.

This feels a lot like those years of discovery. Of looking at each other and _seeing_ for the first time _._

So he stands up on his tiptoes at the same time that he pulls Jonny down to meet him. Their lips slot together and Jonny grunts like he's surprised and Patrick figures he expected a refusal. Patrick's tired of saying no. He keeps it chaste, just a quick peck before pulling away, but Jonny follows, chases his mouth and backs him up against the front door, hands on Patrick's hips.

Patrick lets it happen. It's only been a few days but he _missed_ this.

And Jonny kisses him the same way he always has: determined and focused, like Patrick is the only thing in the world that matters in that moment. It feels familiar, the way sleeping in your own bed feels familiar. Like you could stay there forever. Like home.

He's tempted to say screw the game and literally never move from this spot when someone clears their throat pointedly behind them. Jonny pulls away, but just far enough to disconnect their mouths, and doesn't turn around to face his mother. Patrick's forced to tilt around him to see her, biting his lip to try to contain his grin. He can't even find it in himself to be embarrassed that his mother-in-law just caught them making out against the door like teenagers. She looks amused, and honestly really happy.

"I'm very sorry to interrupt," she says with the same dry humor that Jonny's so fond of using. "But you'll be late if you don't go soon."

"Thanks," he says, embarrassed by how giddy he sounds. He looks up at Jonny who doesn't seem inclined to move any time soon. He kisses Patrick again, and Patrick allows it, _briefly,_ before trying to push Jonny back. "You said one kiss for luck. By my count, you're at three."

"More kisses, more luck," Jonny shrugs, before ducking down one more time. This time when Patrick pushes him back, Jonny goes, grinning down at Patrick. "Go win for me, eh?"

Somehow, they _do_ win. Despite how bad their defense has been and the fact that their Captain is injured, Crow kept them in the game enough to let them score late in the third to pull ahead.

They end the game with four goals.

Jonny, of course, is insufferably smug about that.

"Four kisses, four goals," he crows as they're getting ready for bed that night. Patrick's not even going to pretend like he's going to be sleeping anywhere else. They leave for a road trip tomorrow and he's not emotionally prepared to be away from Jonny for that long yet. "How many are you gonna let me have before you leave tomorrow?" He comes up behind where Patrick's standing at the bathroom sink and wraps his arms around him before pressing a kiss to the back of his neck.

"You're awfully cuddly all of a sudden," Patrick observes as Jonny buries his face in the crook of Patrick's neck.

"You gave me permission," Jonny counters. Patrick takes the opportunity to study their reflections in the mirror. He looks very obviously tired, but disgustingly fond, too. He and Jonny look good together. He lets himself lean back, knowing Jonny can take his weight, and watches how Jonny unconsciously adjusts to let Patrick fit like a puzzle piece into his arms. Jonny lifts his head and meets Patrick's gaze through the mirror.

"What are you looking at?" he asks Patrick's reflection. Patrick just smiles contentedly back at him. He really loves Jonny. Maybe it's wishful thinking, but this memory loss thing makes him feel like, no matter what, they're just... inevitable. Even when he doesn't remember Patrick, they end up here. Together. "Sometimes the way you look at me takes my breath away."

"You should see the way you look at me," Patrick says, "When you remember, I mean. Like that picture of us on the wall, but... more. When it's just the two of us and you're not trying to hide it, sometimes I can't even look at your dumb face because it's so fond." Jonny chuckles, the feeling reverberating through Patrick's back, before his face grows serious.

"I'm sorry I can't give that to you right now," he says softly. Patrick turns around and cups Jonny's face in his palms as Jonny's hands settle on his hips.

"Don't apologize," he says fiercely. "Jonny, you're _here._ You're _alive_. When I saw you on the ice, I had no idea what was going to happen." Patrick doesn't know how to put into words what he's feeling, but he has to try. "When you woke up and didn't recognize me, I panicked. I was scared and I didn't know what to do and I'm sure that was obvious."

"I made you cry a lot," Jonny reminds him, sliding a hand around to rest low on Patrick's back.

"You did," Patrick agrees. "That wasn't your fault. It was jarring, going from one day having a conversation about buying a house together for when we retire to you not even recognizing me the next. But I want you to know that I thought about what I would do if you didn't want me around, and I would have let you go."

"Let me go?" Jonny asks, raising an eyebrow.

"If you decided you didn't want me around. I would've let you go. I love you enough to give that to you even if it means I'd be miserable for the rest of my life." Jonny's hands clench on his hips and he steps closer, brow furrowed.

"I just had some kind of visceral reaction to that," Jonny says. "Literally, something in me just rejected the idea of you leaving so strongly that I think I'd have to fight you if you tried." Patrick laughs and Jonny leans down to kiss him.

"As long as you want me here, I'll be here," Patrick says against his lips. Jonny rests his forehead against Patrick's.

"You might be here for awhile."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's really short and I'm sorry, but we're coming to an end! Only a couple chapters left. Thanks for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scene from chapter 3 from Jonny's POV

As requested on [tumblr](https://kwriteshockey.tumblr.com/post/612628767809159168/pov-from-drown-any-part-of-it)

~

Jonny follows his mom and Patrick into the apartment building, watching as Patrick waves familiarly at the security guard. Patrick had said their relationship is serious, but Jonny sees the comfort in how he moves around the building, stepping into the elevator and pressing the button for what Jonny presumes is his floor. Do they live together? He wants to ask, but he doesn’t want to hurt Patrick’s feelings.

 _“Does he live with me?”_ he finally asks his mom in French, so Patrick won’t understand. At least, he assumes Patrick doesn’t speak French. He shoots him a look, but Patrick’s just leaning against the elevator wall, face blank. His mom nods at him in confirmation.

When the elevator doors open and Jonny catches a glimpse of the hallway, it’s like he just _knows_. This feels like home and comfort and he’s walking before he even realizes it. He heads to the left, stopping in front of a door that he somehow just knows is his. Patrick walks up behind him and Jonny sees the amazement and confusion on his face.

“Is it this one?”

“Yeah, how did you know?” Patrick asks. Jonny hears the hope in his voice and hates that such a small thing seems like such a big accomplishment. Hates that he can’t give him better news.

“I’m not sure,” he says truthfully, having to turn away from the look on Patrick’s face while he unlocks the door. “It’s like I just… knew where to go. It feels familiar.” His heart _thumps_ at the evident relief on Patrick’s face and it’s… frustrating. He wants to protect this man. He wants him to be happy. But he doesn’t _know_ him.

Patrick goes in first, and Jonny lets his mom go in before him, mostly because he’s caught at the sight of Patrick moving so casually through Jonny’s home. And it _does_ feel like home. Seeing Patrick here in this space settles something in Jonny that he doesn’t really understand. It’s almost… satisfaction? Like he knows this is right. This is how things are supposed to be. His head throbs threateningly, and he decides not to think about it anymore before he gets a migraine.

His mom walks him around the apartment, but Jonny doesn’t really need the tour. Somehow he knows his way around here. It’s like the weirdest sense of deja-vu, feeling like he’s never been here before but somehow knowing where everything is, down to the silverware drawer. He has to stop in his bedroom, looking around at all of Patrick’s belongings scattered around the space. He’s not sure how he knows that the baseball cap on the dresser or the button-down on the floor are Patrick’s, and the water bottles littering the nightstand on the left side of the bed are his, but… he knows. He has to leave the room.

They circle back to the living room and his mom excuses herself to settle into the guest room. Jonny could do the same- go take a shower or something- but he gets caught up in looking at the pictures on the wall. [One in particular](https://66.media.tumblr.com/07e64862215d5ff4fd2d6ec2ce0fd543/82b18112e7512cb7-78/s1280x1920/deca44878c7fb6ee0824894b477c44d7aec05394.jpg).

He sees himself in the picture, holding the _Stanley Cup_ above his head. But the Stanley Cup is not what picture-Jonny is looking at. This moment that he’s worked his _whole life_ to get to. And Patrick is what he’s looking at. And not just looking at him, but looking at him like he’s the most important thing in the world.

Oh.

It’s one thing to be told you love someone… but he didn’t really believe it until now. He can see it all over his face, and even just looking at the picture makes him feel… happy? Like he can really believe for the first time that he’s in love with someone that he doesn’t remember. 

He makes a decision in that moment.

Then he notices Patrick walking up.

“How many cups have we won together?” he asks, just to have something to say, still too afraid to look at Patrick in the wake of his revelation.

“Three.” Patrick’s voice is thick, like he’s choking back tears, and Jonny turns to him, unable to resist bringing a hand up to Patrick’s shoulder. Patrick relaxes into the touch and Jonny gets a little emotional himself at just how much comfort Patrick obviously gets from it. And then he starts _crying._

“Sorry,” Patrick says, wiping away the tears.

“Don’t apologize,” Jonny scolds, not hesitating to pull Patrick into a hug. It startles Patrick and he tenses up, but then he _melts_. He rests his head on Jonny’s shoulder, and it feels familiar, like this is something they do a lot. Patrick’s gripping Jonny’s shirt like he never wants to let go. Jonny feels tears in his own eyes. It’s terrifying knowing someone relies on him so much for comfort. What if he messes this up?

He can’t mess this up. He _won’t_ mess this up.


	8. Chapter 8

The next morning, Patrick leaves for the road trip. He stands at the door for a long time, clutching Jonny by the shirt and making him promise to take care of himself and to call him if anything happens. Jonny agrees to Patrick's every demand with a smile on his face, leaning down to kiss him after each one. It doesn't make leaving any easier. Andrée has to remind him three times that he's going to miss the flight if he doesn't leave _right now_ , and he _knows_ , but he's just… not used to leaving Jonny behind. He hasn't had to do it in a long, long time and to know Jonny's injured on top of that…

Well. He has to unclench his hands from Jonny's shirt one finger at a time.

But he finally leaves- gets on the plane knowing Jonny isn't even allowed to use his phone right now so it's not like they can text. He's _not_ going to ask Andrée to be a go-between just because he's pining for the man he spends literally every day with. He's _not_. But he might text her once the plane lands just to make sure everything's still okay.

 _Your worlds may end when you are not together, but the earth is still spinning._ She sends back. He wants to complain that that's not actually an answer, but he restrains himself. He gets what she's trying to say.

The guys can tell he's twitchy that afternoon and they make fun of him for it, but everyone's still trying to get used to Jonny not being in the locker room. He usually goes around and checks on the rookies, makes jokes with the boys, calms everyone down before the games. Now it's up to the A's to do it and Patrick looks to Duncs and Seabs for help. They don't disappoint. They manage to rally the team and they win the game by the skin of their teeth, but it feels like a hollow victory. He didn't realize how synonymous hockey and Jonny were in his brain.

Patrick's anxious the next morning, too, knowing that Jonny's heading to his check-up appointment, but he tries not to hover over his phone.

Until it rings, just before he goes to take his nap.

He snatches it up before he even really registers that it's ringing and sees Jonny's name flash across the screen.

"Jonathan Bryan Toews, you aren't supposed to be using your phone," he scolds when he picks up.

"My doctor cleared me, Patrick Timothy Kane," he shoots back, making Patrick grin. He secretly loves it when Jonny gets sassy.

"What do you mean cleared you?" There's no way they completely cleared him. He has _memory loss_. Obviously there's something wrong with him.

"The concussion isn't as bad as they thought. I hit my head just right to mess up my memory, but as far as brain damage, I'm not too messed up," Jonny explains. "They want me to monitor my symptoms, but I can have limited screen time."

"So you're really okay?" Patrick asks breathlessly.

"They're not too worried about my physical symptoms," Jonny says. "They expected the blurry vision and stuff. They're glad some of my memories are coming back, and they're hoping that they'll start flooding in soon, now that some of them have come back. Something about neural pathways. They recommend I get back to my regular routine because it might help."

"But your regular routine is hockey," Patrick says. "And you can't play hockey right now."

"But I may be able to travel with the team. The front office will have to work with the doctors to figure something out."

"What about your mom?" Patrick remembers the conversation from the kitchen. Jonny said if everything went well he was sending his mom home.

"She's going home," Jonny confirms. "Probably tomorrow. She wanted to wait until you got back but I told her Sharpy can help if I really need something."

"I would feel better if she stayed until I got back, too," Patrick tries to argue. "It's not like Sharpy can _stay_ with you."

"I'm a grown man, Pat, I can take care of myself for a couple days," Jonny sounds huffy, but Patrick grins. Jonny hasn't called him Pat since before the hospital.

"Okay, but you call me if _anything_ happens."

"What are you gonna do, hop on a plane and come home?" Jonny snorts, like he thinks Patrick _won't_. It hits him in that moment that he really doesn't have his Jonny back quite yet. His Jonny would know that Patrick would drop anything to help him, the same way Patrick knows Jonny would do the same for him. His silence drags on too long. "I promise I'll call you if anything happens," Jonny finally says, quieter.

"I have to take my nap," Patrick says, knowing Jonny's going to be able to read the sadness in his tone. He cuts the conversation off before Jonny can bring it up. "I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Okay, Pat. Win for me tonight, eh?"

"I'll try my best," he promises.

They win.

Andrée calls him before she boards her flight and tries to reassure him that Jonny's going to be fine, but it doesn't help relieve the tension in his chest. He calls Jonny a couple times during the day, just to make sure he's okay, and Jonny dutifully answers every time, reassuring Patrick that he's _fine_ and _No Patrick, I don't need Sharpy to come over_ and _I know how to cook, I'm not going to starve to death_.

"But your vision's okay? No headache?" Patrick checks again in what is probably the 5th phone call of the day.

"I pretty much constantly have a low-level headache," Jonny says. "Docs gave me something to take to help but I don't like to rely on that stuff. I'll take it if it gets too bad." Patrick makes a frustrated sound in the back of his throat.

" _Please_ take care of yourself," Patrick begs again.

"I already told you, I _am._ " There's a sharp edge to Jonny's voice that Patrick doesn't like and he doesn't know how to respond to it. Sure, they fight. They're known for their fights on the bench, even. But there's never any real heat behind it. "Sorry," Jonny sighs. "I am a little stressed. I'll be fine once you get home."

"Only a couple more days," he promises.

When he finally walks in the door of Jonny's apartment, it's like a weight has been taken off of his shoulders. All he wants to do is pass out- preferably in Jonny's arms. He takes his gear bag back to the laundry room, and turns to find Jonny standing in the doorway. He's wearing one of his old, worn out t-shirts and a pair of sweatpants and he looks absolutely cozy. Patrick crosses over to him and slips into his arms, burying his face against Jonny's shirt and relaxing into his hold.

"Glad you're back," Jonny murmurs, lips brushing Patrick's ear.

"Me too," Patrick agrees. They stand there long enough for Patrick to doze against Jonny's shoulder, and then he picks his head up. "Can we go to bed?"

"Of course." Jonny leans down and kisses him before stepping back, grabbing hold of Patrick's hand and tugging him along to the bedroom. Jonny settles into bed while Patrick gets changed in silence. He can feel Jonny's eyes on him and a flare of heat zings up his spine. He looks over and Jonny's eyes are dark, tracking the movement of Patrick's hands as he pulls his shirt off.

"You keep looking at me like that, baby, and you're gonna get more than you asked for," Patrick teases, just to see Jonny blush. To his surprise, Jonny tilts his head and gives Patrick a _look_.

"Who says it's more than I asked for?" Jonny's voice is low and Patrick gulps. He knows this is stupid, but he really wants to call Jonny's bluff. He makes his way to the bed, holding eye contact, and crawls up until he's hovering over Jonny, one hand on either side of his head. He doesn't touch him.

Until Jonny reaches up, tangling a hand in Patrick's hair and pulling him down into a kiss. The way their mouths move together is practiced and familiar and Patrick can't help but relax into it. After the all of the stress of the past few weeks, Patrick wants to just sink into this. So when Jonny pushes him onto his back, Patrick doesn't fight it. He groans when Jonny settles his weight on top of him, loops his arms around Jonny's neck to keep him there. Jonny's hands start wandering, never settling for more than a second, and Patrick _wants_. Jonny breaks his mouth away, looking down at Patrick, bringing a hand up to brush his thumb over Patrick's cheek.

"Patrick, I-" Jonny takes a deep breath, making sure he has all of Patrick's attention. "I love you." Patrick stops breathing, tears immediately filling his eyes. A sob tears its way out of his throat before he can stop it. Jonny reacts instantly, settling down on the bed and pulling Patrick into his arms. Patrick clutches at him almost desperately, letting every emotion out that he's been trying to hold inside.

"Jonny, I-" he tries to choke out past his sobs.

"Shh, it's okay," Jonny whispers, lips against Patrick's temple. "You've been dealing with a lot. Just let it go, I've got you." And if Patrick's being honest with himself, this is all he wanted. To be in Jonny's arms, with Jonny whispering reassurances in his ear. He cries and cries and cries until he has no tears left. And then he just lays there, Jonny stroking soothing lines up and down his back. He's left a wet patch on Jonny's shirt that's uncomfortable against his cheek.

"I love you," he finally responds. He lifts his head to look at Jonny and sees his eyes are wet, too. "Now what are _you_ crying for?"

"You're not the only one allowed to be emotional," Jonny teases, bringing a hand up to flick at Patrick's nose. Patrick laughs, starting to shift away from Jonny, but he doesn't get very far before Jonny rolls over, settling all his weight on top of Patrick.

"Get off me, you oaf, I need a Kleenex," Patrick laughs, not making any move to get Jonny off of him.

"Wait here," Jonny orders, pressing a kiss to Patrick's forehead. He's off the bed before Patrick can say anything, heading out of the room. Patrick waits, staring at the ceiling with a dopey smile on his face. He feels like all of his emotions were finally released and he almost wants to laugh. And Jonny told him he _loves_ him. He wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it- Patrick's sure about that. It means… a lot. More than he can really comprehend right now.

Jonny comes back with a box of Kleenex, a wet washcloth, and a glass of water. He sets all three on the bedside and then picks up the washcloth. Patrick tries to sit up, but Jonny stops him with a hand on the shoulder.

"Let me take care of you," Jonny demands before gently bringing the washcloth up to wipe softly at Patrick's face. The chill of it feels nice on his skin, especially around his swollen eyes, and he turns into the touch. When Jonny's done, he lets Patrick sit up and hands him the tissues. Patrick blows his nose as obnoxiously as possible, just to see Jonny roll his eyes, and then accepts the glass of water. He drinks it practically in one go, just to get Jonny back in bed sooner.

They fall asleep tangled together, closer than they've been in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got called out for how long it took me to update this lol oops  
> I'm hoping to finish it up this weekend!  
> Enjoy


	9. Chapter 9

He wakes up the next morning with a smile, studying Jonny's still-sleeping face. His mouth is hanging open and he's completely dead to the world and Patrick could lay here and stare at him all day. He debates on staying in bed and snuggling with him or getting up and making breakfast for both of them, but his growling stomach wins out. He really needs to eat before he goes to morning skate.

Jonny grumbles when Patrick slips out of the bed, but he doesn't wake up. Patrick runs a hand through Jonny's hair and smiles when he presses into Patrick's touch. It's _really_ hard for him to walk away. Jonny _loves_ him. It's something he's always taken for granted- always known it, even before he really _knew_ it. Thinking even for a moment that it could've been taken away from him makes him appreciate it even more. He wants to remember this feeling.

He makes Jonny's favorite- eggs, bacon, and toast- humming to himself the whole time. He doesn't try to hide the happiness he thinks must be shining out of his skin, or the smile he knows is lighting up his face. Even if Jonny never gets his memories back, this is enough.

He's just about done with the food when Jonny wanders in, and Patrick can see by his furrowed brow and the way his shoulders are tensed that there's something wrong.

"You okay?" he asks as he sets the plates on the breakfast bar. Jonny doesn't answer right away, crossing the room and stepping into Patrick's space. He thunks his forehead down on Patrick's shoulder and Patrick wraps his arms around him, stroking a hand up and down his back as Jonny's arms slip around his waist.

"Head hurts," Jonny grumbles. Patrick's hand comes up to comb his fingers through Jonny's hair. He tries not to panic, but _head injury_.

"How bad?" he asks, obviously not hiding his worry very well. Jonny lifts his head and kisses Patrick's forehead before looking him in the eyes.

"It's just a headache," he says, but his smile is strained. "Let’s eat, eh?" Patrick reluctantly lets him go, but he goes to grab the prescription bottle Jonny left sitting on the counter.

"Take this after you eat," he says, setting the bottle in front of where Jonny's sitting at the breakfast bar. "It'll help." Jonny looks at the bottle in distaste, but he nods. The lack of argument honestly makes Patrick even more worried. Jonny doesn't like to take medicine, so if he's willing to do it without a fight it must be worse than he's letting on. Patrick sits down next to him with his own plate, but he turns his chair a little bit so he can keep an eye on Jonny.

Jonny only manages a couple bites of the eggs before the color drains from his face. He freezes mid-chew and stares at the counter in alarm. His eyes flick over to Patrick's. Patrick stares back. Jonny reaches out for the napkin next to his plate and wipes his mouth, obviously spitting the eggs out into the napkin.

"What's up?" Patrick asks, eyes wide.

"I'm a little nauseous," Jonny says, scooting the plate farther away from himself like even the smell of the food is too much for him. "I'm sorry, Pat. I don't think I can eat any more or I might throw up." _Migraine._ Patrick stands up and grabs the pill bottle. He reads the instructions that say very clearly not to take them on an empty stomach.

"You can't take this without eating something. Do you think you can eat the toast at least?" Jonny nods and gestures for Patrick to hand him the toast. He eats it quick, like he's trying not to taste it, and then takes the medicine with the water that Patrick hands him. "You should get back in bed. I'll call Stan and let him know I won't make it to practice today."

"No, Pat." Jonny stands and grabs Patrick's hand. "Go to practice. I'm just gonna pass out anyway." Patrick's conflicted. He doesn't want to leave Jonny if he's struggling, but that medicine is for sure going to knock him out. He won't even notice if Patrick's around or not, and Patrick knows that the front office won't be happy with him if he misses practice again. They gave him permission the first time, but they won't be so lenient now that Jonny's out of the hospital.

"I'm calling Sharpy to stay here while I'm gone," he finally decides, giving Jonny a look like he's daring him to argue. Jonny just smiles and steps in close, kissing Patrick lightly.

"I didn't expect anything else," he says. Patrick tries to fight his smile, but it breaks free when Jonny starts peppering kisses on his face. "Go to practice. Come back. Nap with me."

"Okay," Patrick agrees, already deciding he's going to talk to the team doctors about Jonny's head. Jonny tilts Patrick's face up and waits until he has Patrick's full attention.

"I love you," he says, and it shoots a thrill up Patrick's spine.

"Love you," he says back, biting his lip to stop himself from smiling like an idiot. Jonny kisses him one more time before he steps back.

"I really need to go lay down. I'll see you when you get home," Jonny says as he heads back to the bedroom. Patrick calls Sharpy as he finishes his breakfast, relieved when he agrees to come hang out for a bit. Patrick cleans up the kitchen and gets ready to go, heading back to the bedroom to see Jonny dead to the world. He kisses Jonny on the forehead and stands there watching him for a moment, feeling a bit like a creep, but he knows if Jonny were awake, he would just roll his eyes fondly at Patrick. He finally tears himself away, grabbing his bag and getting ready to go. He makes it to the front door just as there's a knock.

"How's he doing?" Sharpy asks when Patrick lets him in. Patrick doesn't know what his face is doing, but Sharpy's eyebrows raise and he grins. "That good, huh?" he asks, laughing.

"He told me he loves me last night," Patrick admits, blushing. It's the kind of thing he would normally keep to himself, but he feels like he might _burst_ if he doesn't tell someone, and Sharpy had to hear it from both of them the first time they were getting their act together. Patrick’s sure he can handle it the second time. Sharpy just grins and claps a hand on Patrick's shoulder.

"That's great, Peeks," Sharpy says, voice soft and happy. "But you're the only one who ever doubted that."

"Fuck off," Patrick says, laughing and pushing Sharpy's hand away. "He has a migraine, I think," Patrick explains, smile falling. "He took his medicine and he should be asleep by now. I know it's dumb to call you over here while he's just going to be sleeping, but I just…" he trails off.

"It's okay, Kaner, I get it." Sharpy says. "You're worried about him. We all are. I'll keep watch and I'll let you know if anything happens."

"Thanks," Patrick breaths, honestly relived. He forgets, sometimes, that other people worry about Jonny as much as he does. Well, almost as much. He reserves the right as Significant Other to say he cares the most. But, while Sharpy may laugh at them for being codependent, he'll look after Jonny because he cares about him, too.

When he walks into the locker room, the entire team mobs him to ask for an update. He doesn't mention the migraine but lets them know that Jonny's starting to get some of his memories back, _slowly_. They all seem cheered by it and they go into practice with smiles on their faces. The mood in the room is considerably brighter than it has been, at least. After practice he goes to check in with the team doctors to tell them about the migraine and asks if there's anything he should do, or if he should be worried.

"I'm not worried," Dr. Terry says, and Patrick relaxes. Terry takes things like this seriously and he wouldn't lie just to make Patrick feel better. "I wouldn't expect anything else. It's just his brain trying to heal."

"Is there anything I should do other than give him the medicine?" Patrick asks, just to make sure.

"Just keep doing what you're doing. Take care of him and he'll be better before you know it." Patrick heads back home feeling better about the situation. Jonny’s going to be fine.

When he walks in, Sharpy's sitting on the couch watching a move Patrick doesn't recognize.

"Haven't heard a peep from him," Sharpy says before Patrick can ask. "I may or may not have gone in to check if he was still breathing."

"And you laugh at me for fussing," Patrick laughs as Sharpy stands.

"I'm gonna head out and let you take care of your boy," Sharpy says, pulling Patrick into a quick hug. He takes a hard look at Patrick's face. "Are you really doing okay? You seem to be handling this really well after the drama at the hospital."

"I don't wanna talk about the hospital." Patrick feels sick just thinking about it. "Everything's a lot better now. Jonny's not seriously injured and even if he doesn't have all of his memories back at least he still wants me around."

"And what if he can't play hockey again?" Sharpy asks, looking like he really doesn't want to ask but has to. Patrick feels like ice has been dumped down his back. He's been pointedly not thinking about this and now Sharpy's forcing him to confront it. They're both silent for long enough that it becomes awkward.

"I don't know how to answer that," Patrick admits. "Obviously I'm going to stick with him no matter what. I just… don't know. He hasn't said anything about hockey so I don't think it would actually bother him that much unless his memories come back."

"As long as he has you, I think he'll be okay." Sharpy says, and Patrick resolutely _does not cry_. He kicks Sharpy out so he doesn't have to face any more emotions and goes to heat up some leftovers for a quick lunch. When he's done eating, he walks into the bedroom. He desperately wants to just crawl into bed and snuggle with Jonny until he has to get up for the game, but he _really_ needs a shower. With a sigh, he heads to the shower, deciding to just get it out of the way. He rushes through it and he's just getting dressed when Jonny walks into the bathroom, faced scrunched like he's in pain.

"Why are you out of bed?" Patrick asks, feeling bad when Jonny flinches. He closes his eyes and reaches a blind hand out for Patrick. Patrick goes to him and pulls his head down to rest on his shoulder. "What's up?" he asks, practically whispering.

"My vision's blurry again," Jonny mumbles.

"Why'd you get up?"

"Wanted to see you," Jonny says, pressing closer, and Patrick could cry. But Jonny's _so_ stubborn and Patrick could also strangle him.

"Get back in bed," Patrick says, gently guiding Jonny back towards the bedroom. "I'll be there in a second." Jonny goes without complaint and sinks gratefully back onto the bed, pulling the covers over his head. Patrick jogs to the kitchen and grabs a water bottle and a couple ice packs, wrapping them in hand towels. He pauses in the doorway of the bedroom, not sure if Jonny's asleep or not, but smiles when a hand pops out of the blanket and reaches out to him. He walks over and settles next to Jonny.

"Drink this," he says, uncapping the water bottle and holding it out. Jonny takes it and chugs it in one go. Patrick rolls his eyes, but doesn't say anything, instead pulling Jonny over to lay on his chest. "I'm gonna put an ice pack on your head, okay?" Jonny grunts something that Patrick chooses to take as agreement. Jonny doesn't flinch when Patrick sets it against his temple, but he presses closer, sliding an arm around Patrick's waist and burying his face in the crook of Patrick's neck.

"Thanks," Jonny murmurs, lips brushing Patrick's skin. He seems to fall asleep instantly and Patrick stays awake long enough to feel his breathing even out before he follows him.

He's jarred awake some time later when Jonny launches himself off of the bed and runs for the bathroom. Patrick follows before he even realizes what's happening, just knowing that he needs to help. Jonny makes it just in time to empty his stomach into the toilet, and Patrick crouches down behind him to run a hand soothingly over his back. He tells himself that this is normal, that people with migraines throw up sometimes, and it's nothing to worry about. He is concerned that Jonny barely ate breakfast and didn't eat lunch. He should've tried harder to get him to eat something.

Finally, Jonny sits back and grabs some toilet paper to wipe his mouth off with before flushing the toilet. He pushes himself to his feet and wobbles a bit before Patrick reaches out to steady him.

"I fucking hate this," Jonny moans, pushing past Patrick to go lay back in the bed. Patrick goes to grab another water bottle before coming to sit next to Jonny on the bed.

"What was that?" Patrick asks softly, holding the bottle out for Jonny.

"I woke up feeling nauseous, but I thought it would pass so I didn't get up," Jonny mumbles. "And then it hit me."

"I'm gonna tell coach I'm not coming to the game tonight," Patrick decides, reaching over for his phone. He's never skipped a game in his entire nhl career where he wasn't himself sick or injured, but he can't imagine walking out of this apartment right now.

"Pat, no," Jonny protests weakly. "You should go." He doesn't sound like he really means it, which just strengthens Patrick's resolve.

"You're more important, Jon," Patrick says, heart pounding. He's _never_ said that to Jonny before, but he's always known it to be true. "I'm not leaving you." Jonny looks startled and a small smile slips onto his face.

"If I hadn't just puked, I would kiss you right now," Jonny says. Patrick smiles back at him and leans down to kiss Jonny on the forehead.

"I'm gonna go make a phone call and then I’m gonna get you some crackers or something just in case."

"'Kay," Jonny says, half asleep again. "Love you." He's asleep before Patrick can respond, but his heart is full.

Not so much when he makes the phone call. The front office is decidedly not happy about him missing the game if he's not dead or dying, but he stands his ground. Eventually they relent, but Patrick knows he won't be able to miss another game without facing some consequences. He just hopes Jonny gets better sooner rather than later.

He manages to get Jonny awake enough to eat some crackers, just in case he throws up again, and then settles next to him with his phone and some headphones. He watches Netflix on his phone until the game starts and then switches over to watch that. They're halfway through the second period when Jonny shoots up again and runs for the bathroom. Patrick thinks to grab the water bottle this time before he follows him. When he's done, Jonny takes the time to brush his teeth.

“Can you help me back to the bed?” Jonny asks, closing his eyes. “Everything’s spinning.” Patrick slings an arm around his waist and Jonny’s arm goes around his shoulders, holding Patrick’s shirt in a death grip like he’s afraid to let go.

"Is it getting worse?" Patrick asks softly once they're settled back in bed with Jonny wrapped around him. He mumbles a _mhmm._ Patrick brings a hand up to stroke through his hair and Jonny gradually relaxes. He waits until he's sure Jonny's asleep and pulls the game back up, watching the team lose and listening to the announcers talk about what would have been different if Kane and Toews had been playing. He can't find it in himself to care.

Jonny wakes up a couple more times in the night, running to the bathroom, but sometime around 3am he finally settles down and sleeps through the rest of the night. It gives Patrick plenty of time to think about the meaning of love, constantly being woken up to watch Jonny vomit, and still being more concerned about Jonny throwing up than he is about his own lack of sleep. He's just glad they have a day off tomorrow so they can sleep in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one chapter left! Hoping to have it up by next Friday. Your comments, kudos, and bookmarks have been so encouraging to me. Thanks for reading!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter! Thank you so much for reading and commenting and leaving kudos! This was really fun for me to write and I'm glad you enjoyed it too!

Patrick can't remember the last time he slept until 10am, but he wakes to the warm, familiar weight of Jonny sprawled on top of him, and the peek of bright sunlight through the curtains. He brings a hand up to rub the sleep from his eyes, surprised when Jonny tilts his head to follow the movement.

"You're awake?" he asks, turning his head to look Jonny in the eyes. Patrick reaches out and trails his fingers down Jonny's cheek, pleased when the corner of Jonny's mouth quirks up in a smile. "How ya feeling?"

"Not nauseous anymore," Jonny mumbles. "My body feels weird. Fuzzy."

"Lazy day today, then?" Patrick asks, running his fingers through Jonny's hair. Jonny turns into the touch and makes a happy, rumbling noise. "I need to make us some food." The pleased noise turns into a growl and Patrick laughs. "You threw up all night. You need something in your stomach." Somehow, Jonny sprawls more heavily on Patrick.

"It can wait until lunch," Jonny grumbles, turning to hide his face in the crook of Patrick's neck.

"Netflix, then?" Patrick asks with a heavy sigh he doesn't really mean. Jonny's acting more and more like himself every day, and refusing to get out of bed is just like him.

"Your favorite show is Hawaii Five-0," Jonny says, not picking his head up. "McGarrett is your favorite. I think it's because he kinda looks like me." Patrick freezes, breath catching.

"You remember that?" Patrick chokes. Jonny just hums against Patrick's skin. "Well, hate to break it to you, but it's not on Netflix." Patrick says, testing Jonny's memory.

"You bought every season on Amazon video," Jonny mumbles back, seemingly half asleep again. Patrick's heart is pounding.

"I don't really feel like watching it right now," Patrick says, again just to see what Jonny does. "And, for the record, I like Steve for reasons that have nothing to do with you." It's a well-worn argument- one that he never wins because Jonny might be just a little bit right. Patrick has a type, okay? Tall, dark, and handsome is _everyone's_ type.

"Liar," Jonny chuckles. "Let's watch Bones." Bones is Jonny's favorite show, and Patrick has no problem turning it on. Jonny deserves a reward for the mini quiz Patrick just gave him. He starts in season one, because Zack is Jonny's favorite, and they shuffle around until they're a snuggly pile of tangled limbs so that both of them can see the tv.

But after a couple episodes, Patrick's stomach is growling and he has to drag himself out of bed to go make them lunch. Jonny's not happy about it, but Patrick distracts him with kisses until he can disentangle himself. Jonny glowers at him once he's finally free, but he gathers the blankets around himself and goes back to peacefully watching someone get murdered.

Patrick makes them some chicken and veggies for lunch, hoping that it won't be too harsh on Jonny's stomach. He hesitates between calling Jonny into the dining room or taking the food back to the bedroom. Jonny normally has a strict no-food-in-bed rule, but this seems like the kind of situation for an exception to that rule.

The decision is taken out of his hands when Jonny pads into the kitchen, wearing nothing but a pair of sweatpants hanging low on his hips. Patrick's mouth goes dry, his eyes caught on the trail of hair disappearing in the waistband.

"My eyes are up here," Jonny says dryly. Patrick doesn't even blush, walking up to Jonny, trailing a hand down his stomach and scratching his nails through the hair there, stopping when his fingers hit Jonny's waistband. He looks up at Jonny from under his lashes and lets a small smirk slip onto his face. Jonny's cheeks are flushed and he swallows hard.

"Don't start something you're not ready to finish, Peeks," Jonny says, voice rough. There's a challenge in his eyes and Patrick's conflicted. Jonny's doing better. His memories are coming back. He _wants_ Patrick. Patrick wants him.

But Jonny's right. Patrick's not ready to finish this. Jonny was up all night, he's still dealing with symptoms, and if they're gonna do this… Patrick wants it to be different. Not in the kitchen the night after Jonny was up vomiting all night.

He takes a step back and he knows he doesn't imagine the flash of disappointment in Jonny's eyes. He steps forward again, pulling Jonny down into a kiss.

"Not yet," he murmurs against Jonny's lips. "You need to eat." He pulls away to look Jonny in the eye. "And you're gonna have to wine and dine me before I put out." That earns a laugh and they smile at each other dopily for a few seconds. "Come on, it's getting cold."

Through lunch, Jonny peppers Patrick with random facts that he thinks he remembers ("Your favorite ice cream is mint chocolate chip." "My brother walked in on us making out once when we went to visit my family." "Sharpy stopped speaking to both of us when we had our first fight as a couple because we kept trying to use him as a go-between.") and Patrick tells him if he's right or not. He's right on most of them. By the time they're cleaning up their plates Patrick feels like he's walking on clouds.

"You're happy," Jonny says seriously. "Your dimple is showing." Patrick turns to look at him, confused.

"Am I not supposed to be?" he asks, not understanding what Jonny's trying to say.

"You are. Of course you should be happy," Jonny scrambles to say, drying his hands on a dish towel before reaching out to grasp Patrick by the arms. "It's just a little intimidating."

"Me being happy is intimidating?" Patrick asks, smile completely gone now.

"No, that's not what I meant," Jonny says, seeming to regret bringing it up. He makes a frustrated sound and pulls Patrick into a hug. "I'm discovering more and more every day just how much I really love you," he says, lips brushing Patrick's temple. "Maybe I didn't really understand everything when I woke up in the hospital, but I could see how devastated you were. And now that I understand what we are to each other, and how much we mean to each other, I just… I hate knowing what you would've gone through if my injury had been worse or if I never remembered anything."

"But it wasn't worse," Patrick says, trying to reassure him, running a hand up and down his back. "We're here and we're fine. You and I are solid, no matter what."

"Yeah," Jonny sighs heavily. "Yeah. Can we just… go watch more Bones?"

Patrick would happily watch Bones for the rest of his life if it meant making Jonny happy. They stay in bed for the rest of the day, doing nothing but watching the show, and Patrick knows his body is going to regret it tomorrow, but they order pizza for dinner. Jonny even begrudgingly agrees to let them eat it in bed.

It's one of the best days of Patrick's life.

They fall asleep, still tangled up together.

The next morning Patrick's alarm goes off, telling him it's time to get ready for skate. After having a couple lazy days, it's hard to crawl out of bed and actually go be productive. Jonny doesn't even stir while Patrick gets ready, sleeping peacefully on the bed.

Skate is rough on Patrick since he hasn't had any kind of exercise in almost two days, but the boys can tell he's in a good mood and it definitely has an effect on them.

"How's Jonny?" Seabs asks after practice, Duncs standing right behind his shoulder.

"He had a migraine the other day. That's why I missed the game," Patrick explains. "But he's been doing better since then. He's actually remembering a lot of stuff."

"What do you think about him coming to the game tonight?" Duncs asks casually, like he's not actually invested in the answer. Patrick sees right through him.

"I hadn't thought about it," he admits. "I can ask him."

"If you're worried, ask Sharpy. I'm sure he'll be willing to chauffer him." Which is actually a great idea. He should've thought of it before.

They're eating lunch when Patrick asks Jonny about it.

"How do you feel about coming to the game tonight?" Patrick asks. He already checked with Sharpy and he agreed to bring him if Jonny wanted. Jonny seems startled by the question, eyes widening.

"You're actually gonna let me?" he asks, only half sarcastically. Patrick gently kicks him under the table.

"You're feeling better, yeah?" he asks, blushing. "I know I've been a little… overprotective… but if you want to come watch, you should." Jonny looks at him consideringly for a moment.

"Will I have a chaperone?" he asks, corner of his mouth tilting up in a smile. Patrick doesn't dignify that with a response, throwing a glare at Jonny, making him laugh.

Jonny wishes him luck before he leaves, and Patrick goes through warmups with knots in his stomach, knowing Jonny's going to be watching him. It shouldn't be any different than normal- Jonny's normally _playing_ with him, after all- but it feels different now. He looks up to the box Sharpy normally sits in and sees Jonny in a red sweater, looking down at the ice. He raises a hand and waves down at Patrick.

They win the game soundly, and Patrick can't help but feel like the boys had an extra pep in their step knowing that their captain was there and watching. They're all hyper going down the tunnel back to the locker room, and Patrick follows behind them, laughing. The sound intensifies the closer Patrick gets to the locker room, and when he steps in he sees why.

Jonny and Sharpy are standing in the middle of the room being mobbed by teammates. Patrick laughs but heads over to his stall and lets the boys have their time with their captain. He does keep an eye out just to make sure Jonny's not overwhelmed, but he seems to genuinely be enjoying himself, hugging the boys and giving updates on how he's feeling.

And then someone moves and Patrick catches sight of the jersey Jonny's wearing. His jaw drops and a flush crawls up his cheeks when he sees the 88 on the sleeve, and then Jonny turns and he catches sight of his own last name on the back. His brain short-circuits and he's standing frozen in front of his locker, staring. Jonny catches his eye and winks, smirking.

"You good, Kaner?" Brinksy asks, grinning like he knows exactly what's causing Patrick to shut down. Patrick clears his through and forces himself to move, getting his stuff together to hit the shower.

"I'm good," he says gruffly. He pointedly keeps his eyes away from Jonny as he heads to the showers. When he comes back out, Jonny's sitting in Patrick's stall, patiently looking at all the pictures Shawzy's showing him of his new baby. When he walks up, Jonny doesn't move, just grins up at Patrick.

"I'll get out of your hair," Shawzy says, giving Patrick a significant look. "Hope you guys have a, uh… good time tonight." Shawzy shoots a look at the 88 on Jonny's sleeve and waggles his eyebrows.

"Get out of here," Patrick laughs, shoving Shawzy away. He goes, laughing, and Jonny sits in silence while Patrick finishes getting dressed. "You did that on purpose." Patrick says, blushing again when he looks down at Jonny's jersey.

"You like it, though," Jonny says smugly. Patrick rolls his eyes but doesn't answer. Jonny's right. Once Patrick shoves all of his gear in his bag and pulls it onto his shoulder, Jonny stands and takes a step into Patrick's space.

"So… what was that you said about wining and dining you?"

Patrick grins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And all I can say is... FINALLY! This ended up being longer than I anticipated, but it's one of my favorites. Thanks again for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr:  
> [kkane88](https://kkane88.tumblr.com/)  
> [kwriteshockey](https://kwriteshockey.tumblr.com//)


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